My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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