is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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