i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
