If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
