I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
