Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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