When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
