I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
