Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
