We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
