Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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