I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
