she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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