Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
And then my night got REAL pukey
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
