I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
