and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
