If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
