I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
