Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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