i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
