I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
