i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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