Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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