i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The air was thick with penises
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
