did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
that's an acceptable place to lick
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
