Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
