Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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