don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
