How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
