I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
