my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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