She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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