true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
