the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
