C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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