Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
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