I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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