I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
