the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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