look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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