My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
