you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
