Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
