Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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