My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
