also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
