so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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