I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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