I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
