i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
