My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
