so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
