Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
