So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
