I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
